


Later

by Annie_Eliza



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: 5.13, 5x13, Angst, Goodbyes, LATER, M/M, New York, Separations, Series Finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-12
Updated: 2015-10-12
Packaged: 2018-04-26 01:04:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4983880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annie_Eliza/pseuds/Annie_Eliza
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Justin's thought process the morning he leaves for New York.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Later

He had turned off the alarm before it had a chance to go off. He dozed maybe for an hour but after finding his eyes opening for the seventh time, he had just lain there, watching Brian sleep, so still, silent, and almost peaceful. Brian had never been a very peaceful sleeper. He usually tossed and turned a bit, had occasional nightmares, often snored due to his deviated septum, something you’d think Justin would be annoyed by but if anything he found it endearing. Brian never slept for long either. Most of the time Justin was asleep before him and the times Brian decided to lie down before Justin, the man usually stayed awake until Justin was right beside him. It had been one of the few hints he clung onto at the times he wasn’t sure of Brian’s feelings for him.

 

He should be sure of them now. Brian had asked him to marry him. Twice. That had been fucking surprising. So had the country manor and his willingness to sit down with him and pick out invitation styles, decor, items for the gift registry, suits. Okay, maybe not the suits. Brian always had loved a good suit. 

 

But how could he just say that it was only time? How could he say that then sleep so silently when Justin had to be up in 45 minutes to get ready for the taxi? Maybe he wasn’t as bothered by it as Justin was. Maybe after giving each other an out, Brian felt any torment from what would have been their upcoming nuptials lift from his heart and his brain. He was free now. Away from the shackles of the heteronormative life he had always resented. And that’s why Justin had let him go. 

 

Men like Brian Kinney shouldn’t be tied down. Letting Brian go had strangely made him think about this time when he had been seven years old and saved a blue jay from the neighbor’s cat. His mom let him keep him for a couple of weeks as his injuries healed and he had desperately wanted to keep him. His mom had told him that the bird had been a free and wild bird his entire life. No matter how much Justin worked with him, the bird would backpedal after a few days of being affectionate by struggling and squawking whenever any of their family came too close to him. Despite the fact the bird probably liked Justin more than he had liked anyone else, it just wasn’t meant to be. When he let him fly off the next day, Justin had cried but the bird had looked relieved.

 

Maybe that’s what Brian felt. Relief. Thankful that Justin had been a part of his life but couldn’t deny who he was for him. And Justin didn’t want him to. He would never want that.

 

Sighing, he looks at the clock. He needs to get up, take a shower, and be on his way. Carefully, he extracts himself from Brian’s embrace and gets up to step into the bathroom. So many memories overwhelm him. From the countless times they had fucked to just shaving together to taking care of Brian during his radiation. They had all happened here. In a fucking bathroom. Who knew a bathroom could suddenly become so important to him?

 

After cleaning himself with the perfect pressure of the water and Brian’s soap and shampoo, he stepped out, dried himself off, and stared into the mirror.

 

He didn’t look much different from a month or two ago. He felt different though. So much had changed. They had all fucking changed. Lindsay and Melanie took off with the kids to start a new life. Ben and Michael were stronger than ever, in a new house and in the process of adopting their son. Debbie had found love and Ted found Blake again. Emmett had found someone new and Justin really hoped he and Calvin worked it out. And there was Justin himself, who had gone through so many obstacles and life events. Not many people make it out of a bombing and are proposed to by their commitment phobic boyfriend only to mutually call it off so that one of them can move to New York to follow their dreams and the other can, what? Stay where he was while the rest of his friends moved on, if not physically then emotionally?

 

But, if Brian was anything, he was true to himself. Persistent and truthful when it came to being the man he was supposed to be. And Justin...well, Justin was curious about what the world held for him. But he had also been curious about what his future as Brian’s husband would have held for him too. 

 

It didn’t matter. This was what was best. For the both of them.

 

Justin turns off the light in the bathroom before quietly cracking opening the door. He feels his heart drop down to his stomach when he looks to the bed.

 

There Brian is, lying on his side and facing the other side of the room but undeniably crying. Shoulders shaking, left hand reaching over to cover his eyes, soft quiet sobs escaping his lips. The foreignness of it brings Justin to a stand still. He can’t do anything but watch him. He had only witnessed Brian close to tears twice. Once in the parking garage and once after he said the three words he had been waiting on for five years. He had never actually witnessed Brian give into them. 

 

As much as he wants to rush over and comfort him, make promises that he isn’t sure he can keep, he doesn’t. It would piss Brian off and embarrass him and that’s not how he wants to remember things when he thinks back to this morning. So he silently shuts the door, turns on the light again, and makes some noise to indicate he’s almost done in the bathroom. 

 

By the time Justin comes back out, Brian is in the same position as he was in before. Spread out on the bed, on his stomach, and in his complete naked glory. It’s pretty obvious that he didn’t want Justin knowing about any sadness he was feeling.

 

He should leave. It would be unfair of him prolong things because Brian shouldn’t be bottling up what he’s feeling. If Justin left now, maybe Brian could get it all out, go back to sleep, and feel better later in the day. 

 

But he just has to touch him. Because if Brian was right on the ‘never again’ part, Justin couldn’t leave without making sure the man knew he didn’t want it to be.

 

He walks over, sits on the bed, and leans down so his cheek rests against his back and his arm wraps around his ribs.

 

“Please tell me if you’re not okay,” Justin whispers as the unexpected words force their way out of his mouth, “Just say the word, Brian. Just say the word and I’ll stay here with you.”

 

He waits for a minute, feels Brian tremble underneath him even though he keeps his eyes shut to pretend he isn’t even aware. He isn’t fooling him but there’s not much else he can offer. 

 

“I love you,” Justin tells him, the one other thing he knows he needs to say before getting on that plane.

 

Sitting back up, he lets out a bittersweet sigh and grabs the duffle bag that’s sitting beside the bed. It’s a good thing he has always packed light, with all the moving around he has done since he met Brian Kinney. Walking away from him will be much harder than getting his bag to the airport by himself.

 

He’s sad but he’s nervous and excited too, even though he feels guilty about it after witnessing Brian not being as okay with this as he claimed to be. But he wants to make something of himself. Be a big fat fucking success by doing something he loves. He wants to make Brian proud by living a fulfilling life. Deep down, he knows that is what will make Brian happy too.

 

Turning around one last time, Justin bites his lip when he sees Brian’s form again.

 

“Later,” he chokes out before going down the steps and out the door. 

 

And he means it. It’s never going to be goodbye, even if Brian was right when he said never again. It’s always going to be later.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think! Thanks for reading!


End file.
